Japanese Dating – How to Get Started
Looking for a Japanese bride?
Frankly, who wouldn’t want to meet a beautiful geisha girl who would happily fulfill your every desire? Well, it is not that simple – not by far. But it is possible to meet beautiful, educated, Japanese single ladies online.
JapanCupid is probably the best place to start you Japanese dating quest, because they have more Japanese women than any site on the web. Another great source for all types of Asian brides is CherryBlossoms.
However, there is no vetting process for dating profiles on JapanCupid or CherryBlossoms, so keep an eye out for scammers.
One of the biggest Asian dating sites on the web is Asian Beauties, but currently they have a lot more hot Chinese girls than Japanese girls. So, if you absolutely must have a Japan girl, then don’t waste your time with them.
Traditional Japanese Brides
Japanese women have a reputation as beautiful, well-educated, hardworking women who make excellent wives and mothers. Japanese girls are known worldwide for being deferential to their husbands or boyfriends, because this was one of the hallmarks of a traditional Japanese wife.
These were not exactly the same duties as a beautiful geisha girl, but there were many similarities. Families, schools, businesses, and the government have work hard to reinforce the nation’s traditional family values and a Japanese girl faces enormous pressures to conform to these norms.
Maintaining traditional family roles has been easier than in many other countries, because Japan only opened direct contact with the rest of the world following United State Navy’s 1854 expedition to Japan and the final decision to embrace the Western world did not really occur until the 1870s.
Although the country is an overwhelmingly urban society that produces some of the most modern technology, it is only about 150 years removed from a deeply entrenched traditional culture that remained largely unchallenged and barely changed for at least a millennia.
The tradition that the wife was submissive to her husband was a central tenet of that culture and the tradition that a wife’s primary goal in life is to obey and pamper her husband still runs deep.
The traditional phrase “Good wife – Wise Mother” is still bandied about as the female ideal and the sexy geisha girl is still held up as a model of the expectations men have for their wives.
Though it may seem strange to Americans and Europeans, most Japanese women make an effort to conform to these traditional values. However, trying to be a traditional wife and mother in a modern, wired society is not easy for most Japanese women.
Women from Japan might not be as traditionally deferential to their husbands today as their grandmothers were, but they usually do give their husband or boyfriend the final say on most decisions.
And they will try to pamper their man in the finest geisha tradition and many men who have dated a girl from Japan find that other women don’t quite measure up.
The Modern Japanese Single Woman
Let’s get real! The modern Japanese single woman is not simply Madame Butterfly.
Japan is a modern Westernized country and Japanese girls are heavily influenced by both American and European culture and their own pop culture in movies, television, and the ubiquitous manga comics. These modern influences have tempered Japanese girl’s view of their roles.
For instance, in Japanese manga comics the most popular heroes tend to be girls and the fads and fashions of Japanese school girls often cross the line from ridiculous to downright bizarre.
Your future Japanese bride probably did not grow up picking rice or spinning silk.
One of the biggest mistakes men make when deciding to pursue international dating is the mistaken belief that they can simply buy a submissive wife.
To some extent this comes from the blatantly false definition of mail order brides that has been foisted on the mainstream media by anti-male, uber-feminists, but it is also a desperate delusion that deeply lonely men trick themselves into.
You can’t buy a wife.
Explicitly looking for a submissive woman overseas is a fool’s errand, because it almost always leads to misunderstandings and mistakes.
The modern Japanese wife probably is more deferential to her husband than is common in most Western countries, but she has nothing on American women in the most extreme evangelical churches.
It is all a matter of degrees, but it is worth remembering that one of the primary reason that Japanese women still sign up at Asian dating sites is because they want to escape from the stifling responsibilities of a traditional Japanese wife and mother.
Self-help programs, a uniquely American creation, have grown rapidly in Japan in the last thirty years. Japanese women, especially young Japanese women, are obsessed with self-help.
A recent Japanese government study showed that 25% of all females were active in self-improvement programs, but the percentage of young women who read personal development books or are active in some sort of self-help or education program probably approaches 100%.
For many Japanese singles this focus on self-improvement is one of the primary reasons they are willing to consider dating or marrying foreign men. That is far beyond traditional Japanese courting practices, so these women are probably less traditional than their sisters in other respects too.
The take away is that if Japanese women were as traditional as their great-grandmothers they probably wouldn’t be thinking about getting involved in International dating.
Japanese Mail Order Brides – Do They Exist?
If the general news media was right about the modern mail order bride industry there would not be any Japanese mail order brides, because Japan is a modern, industrialized nation with a high standard of living, and a very good general quality of life.
And it is true that Japan is not an epicenter for international dating like Russia, the Ukraine, Colombia, or the Philippines, but there are still a good number of Japanese singles on the major international dating sites.
And that, my friend is a very, very good thing!
To some extent the small number of Japanese women seeking foreign men is perhaps because of Japan’s tradition as a closed society, but it is probably also because of the nation’s post-World War II economic prosperity.
So, there are cultural and economic reasons why relatively few Japanese singles seek foreign husbands.
However, to some extent these traditions seem to be changing. First, many Japanese brides like the more open traditions of the West. Often they have traveled or gone to school in the United States or Europe and they like the higher status of women in the West.
In fact, Japanese girls that go the Untied States for college often have a very difficult time readjusting to life in Japan. They often find the US’s open society enjoyable and relaxing and many decide to sign up on international dating sites after growing tired of trying to adjust to a country they no longer feel completely in tune with.
After spending four years at Stanford, the University of Michigan, or another top flight American university it is just not easy for many Japanese co-eds to return to a world where they are expected to hold a good high paying job during the day and revert to the role of a traditional Japanese wife at night.
Also, many of these hot Japanese girls have dated Western guys while they were in college and they liked the partnership goals of most Western men as opposed to the dominating position that is supposed to be the right of a traditional Japanese husband.
So, many well educated, high earning Japanese single ladies have started looking towards foreign men in recent years.
The Dreams of Japanese Women
Japanese singles almost never sign up for dating sites simply because of economics. Largely, they are signing on, because, despite the enormous economic progress of Japan, a Japanese wife is still treated largely as her husband’s property.
This theme is very strong among Japanese women. Many are tired of the glass ceiling and the tradition of heavy drinking among Japanese men.
In fact Japanese and Eastern European mail order brides are both often fleeing a cultural tradition of mind numbing binge drinking. These young women simply want to be treated with respect as individuals.
Because of this the Japanese singles you find on international dating sites are sometimes better educated and even wealthier than the foreign husband she eventually marries. It isn’t necessarily a common occurrence, but very few Japanese brides will enter marriage penniless.
A Japanese bride will generally bring several thousand dollars into a marriage and is more likely to be well educated than women from any other Asian country.
In Japan Dating Is Different
There are some major differences between Japanese dating and dating in most of the other nations that are hotbeds of international dating.
In Japan dating is usually more complicated and formal than in Western countries. There is a process to dating a Japanese girl and whether she is from Tokyo, Osaka, or a little mountain village you pretty much have to follow the rules.
Dating a girl from Japan is simply different from what most guys are used to.
First, in Japan dating is a slower process. If you are planning on dating a Japanese girl you should plan on spending more time on the long distance portion of the relationship than you would in Brazil or Thailand.
This is because most Japanese women seeking marriage are not absolutely committed to finding a foreign boyfriend or husband. Usually, they sign up out of a sense of frustration over the sense that they will always be second class citizens.
Even the Japanese co-eds who went to school in the United States are usually just testing the waters, because they realize what a big step they are contemplating.
You should plan on spending at least three or four months emailing the girl before considering visiting her. Moving to phone calls is often tricky. Most educated Japanese women who claim to speak English can’t. They often can write and read English.
Japanese students take eight years of English, but the speaking component of their education is laughably bad. Usually, they speak a mish-mash that is charitably called “Janglish” and it is pretty much incomprehensible over the telephone.
Phone translation of Japanese is usually expensive, because it is focused almost exclusively on business calls.
The best approach is probably to exchange emails for six months or so and then make the trip to Japan. However, you should probably broach the language subject somewhere along the way.
Unless she actually lived in an English speaking country it is safe to assume that her spoken English is somewhere between poor and indecipherable even if she tells you that she was the top English student in her high school or university.
If you can understand her when you first meet her consider yourself lucky. Normally, if she thinks she speaks good English you won’t really understand her for a couple of days. Learning to communicate can be fun, but bring your English-Japanese dictionary.
Japanese Dating – Meet the Parents
The second, and often the primary challenge, of Japanese dating can be summed up in two words – her family. Although family is important in Latin America, Eastern Europe, and other areas in Asia, it pales in comparison to the central role of the family in Japan.
In many countries you can probably avoid meeting the parents until you are absolutely, stone cold serious about a lady, but that approach is almost never going to fly if you are dating a Japanese girl.
Just forget about trying to skip this step in the process. Unless she is an orphan and even then you will probably have to dress up to meet her uncles or brothers. Either way it is probably going to be a memorable event.
Most Japanese families have only one or two children. Most Japanese girls are very close to their parents. The houses in Japan are small by American standards and all of that probably helps explain the exceptional closeness of Japanese families.
Further, the Japanese practice an explicit form of ancestor worship and so a Japanese girl would not just be disgracing her parents, but all of her ancestors if she simply ran off with a foreign man.
You have to make the trip to meet the parents. If you are lucky they live in a big city. Japan is almost a completely homogenous society. In the countryside it is still unusual to see foreigners and even today a foreigner in rural Japan is likely to be stared at and possibly even questioned by local police.
For the actual meeting make sure you dress as nicely as possible – business formal. Even if you promised yourself that you would never wear a tie again after you left the corporate rat race this is a time for an exception to that rule.
Break out the tie, a nice suit, and the best watch you own. Not going all out with your clothing would be considered showing disrespect to your girlfriend’s parents and that is a very bad place to start out, particularly with the average Japanese father.
During the dinner try to remain as calm, polite, and keep your voice a little lower than the hog calling level that passes for conversational volume in New York or Los Angeles.
When you sit down across from your Japanese girlfriend’s father he will probably shoot you a look that will make you understand how the Japanese managed to capture about half of Asia in three months.
He will probably not look happy. He is probably not happy that his daughter, probably his only daughter, is dating a “foreign dog” but frankly you might not get much better treatment even if you were a Japanese man.
Being grumpy about his daughter’s choice of boyfriend or husband is simply his role in the Japanese dating process. It is a role that your girlfriend’s father will probably play well, but he is simply trying to get your measure.
Do not take his perceived displeasure personally.
Let your girlfriend do most of the talking even in the very rare case when her parents speak passable English. She has undoubtedly been telling them how wonderful you are for months and she knows what they want to hear.
As much as possible you should simply smile, nod, and eat lightly, because unless it is a total disaster her parents are unlikely to come out adamantly against you. Your girlfriend is probably an only child. She knows how to get a “Yes” out of her parents.
Also, by the time you meet the parents they will probably feel like it is already a done deal and they will be concerned about alienating their daughter. It will probably work out.
There are some unique challenges to searching for a Japanese mail order bride; finding and wooing a hot Japanese girl is more difficult than it is with a Ukrainian girl or Brazilian babe, but it can be well worth the trouble.
San Francisco native and former T.V. producer. Toby has traveled to over 50 countries. He’s now happily married to a beautiful Thai woman.